Do you seek bad singing? Smug, hammy facial expressions? Vegas glitz combined with feats of martial arts? Dolph Lundgren has got you covered.This is quite simply the greatest performance I have ever seen from a washed up action hero with creepily proper diction. Elvis must be getting rolled over in his grave.
For this performance, there are no words, but this gave me an idea for a reality show, actually a few ideas for reality shows, so let's dive in...
America's Most Over the Top Performances
Each performer or group is given a stage, a budget and five minutes of airtime to stage the most over the top performance they can.
Anything goes here, animals, magic, demolition derbies, musicals. As long as you can get it on and off the stage in a timely fashion, go nuts. We would have to have multiple stages, as you can only clean up elephant shit so fast and if it mixed with they next guy's clam chowder based act that would be a real mess. We're gonna need three stages, now that I think about it.
The judges would be sundry has-been entertainers and snarky behind-the-scenes players in bad suits and haircuts they saw on their fifteen year old nephews and/or Justin Beiber.
There is not much to explain here. Each show would have a winner and each winner would move on to the finals at the end of the season. Pure spectacle. It'll be like a classy "Gong Show".
America's Funniest Cop
What's funnier than a funny cop? According to Officer Giggles, nothing.
This would be a multi-tiered contest. Let me explain.
First, we start a national campaign to contact every police station in the country asking cops to nominate their fellow hilarious officers anonymously. After vetting the nominees, the producers whittle the list to twenty cops. We want all comedy stylings here, so we want a good mix of men and women from across the nation.
Second, we arrange to have a camera/cameraman follow said nominees around for a few days to catch them in action. Hidden cameras in the office and on the street. Obviously, we are not going to be following drug raid squads, unless the cop is really funny. We just want to catch those special moments when humor from an authority figure can pop the balloon of tension. After a few episodes of airing these "Cops" style clips, America will rank the cops in order of hilarity and we will eliminate the bottom five, leaving us with fifteen cops.
Third, all cops will have to perform three minutes of stand up comedy at a comedy club within their jurisdiction. The judges would consist of comedians who have had run ins with the law, like Eddie Murphy, Andy Dick, Paula Poundstone and Artie Lange.
We would also need to get Eddie Money involved as a judge. Although not a comedian, he was once a NYC cop and he knows what it takes to go from the badge to the stage. His sage presence will be soothing as the cops will have living proof it will happen.
After the stand up routines we let America vote again. We take the top five and eliminate the bottom ten.
Next, whichever network we are on, we secure roles for each of the five remaining cops on different sitcoms. Each cop will appear in a few scenes in a non-recurring speaking role. The judges, now a panel of network bigwigs, will dissect the performances. America will vote again and this time, so will the judges. The two scores are combined.
The winner is given a regular role on an upcoming, new sitcom and America's faith in the legal system in restored.
Everybody wins.
The All American Eat-a-Thon
Sure, any Joey Chestnut can eat 68 hot dogs in ten minutes, but have you ever wondered how many hot dogs these guys could eat in a week? A month?
I propose a long term, free form eating contest where each contestant pushes their G.I. functions to the limit in pursuit of ultimate competitive eating glory.
There is no end to the possibilities here. The first option is to keep the contest to one food. For example, how many chicken wings can one man eat in a week. However, we could also switch it up and just base the contest on overall caloric intake of pre-approved foods over the specified period of time.
In addition to the eating contest, cameras would follow the lives of the contestants and their families for the duration. How does this impact the daily lives of the families? How do the children, if any, feel about Daddy gorging for a living? How much toilet paper do they use throughout the course of the contest? How does the wife feel about getting into bed every night with a feed bag? Serious questions, these.
Of course a doctor, hopefully Dr. Nick level quacks, will be on hand to monitor each contestant. If they need to stop the contest for health reasons they will be disqualified.
Besides the sheer joy, drama and tension of the contest itself, this program lends itself to myriad product tie-ins. Sponsorships from the producers of the various foods is a no brainer. Also, we could use local restaurants to prepare the food and to host the contestant at various feed times. We could give a little flavor about what the restaurant is all about and why the contestant likes it (I assume we'd have no problem finding culinary establishments in which these gastropods are regulars). I'm sure the Charmin people would be interested as well.
The Grand Prize will be a solid gold toilet with a high gallon per flush ratio.
America's Clumsiest Chef
Extremely sharp knives. Red hot burners. Open flames. Wet floors. Fragile dishware. What could go wrong? On America's Clumsiest Chef everything, hopefully.
Rounding up ten fledgling, wannabe chefs, the more emotionally unstable and prone to crumble under pressure the better, we give them one week in a Benihana to exhibit their skills with the winner receiving a full scholarship to some foo foo culinary academy in Europe.
Then, we find the most raucous, judgemental, temperamental and downright douchenozzle of a chef this side of Gordon Ramsey and have him/her ride the chefs hard. This chef will preferably be a stern Japanese taskmaster in a headband with folded arms who will berate the chefs in a staccato, rapid fire fashion as he/she instructs them in Japanese cuisine and knife trickery. Think Mister Miyagi as a mean drunk.
To pose as customers we recruit trained stunt people and freakshow performers. People who are used to being in pain because there will be a lot of blood here. Only grills manned by our contestant will have these hired customers, as we want the see the morbid theater of normal diners reacting to this shitshow.
Having a full medical staff on hand to administer first aid and to stitch wounds, the total amount of stitches needed to close all wounds caused by each respective chef will be one criteria we use in tabulating the winner.
After a few hours of training, the contestants hit the floor, all the while our stern Japanese taskmaster watching over them.
As our contestants try and fry fish and chicken while showcasing their nascent knife tossing skills customers get stabbed in the face, head and neck while the medical staff rushes in to aid the fallen.
Fingers will be chopped off. Kids will be puking. Diners rushing out of the restaurant in disgust. This should be done to to the chase music from Benny Hill.
As our unstable chefs sweat and cry and lament the physical pain they've inflicted on "Innocent" customers our taskmaster forces them to continue until all chefs crumple to the ground in a heap of blood sweat and tears.
The last chef standing, if he/she has any fingers left and is not suffering from PTSD will get said scholarship to foo foo food school.
America's Thirsiest Baby
We put thirteen babies in a locked car in 95 degree heat with the windows rolled up and .... kidding!!!
America's Thistiest Baby
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